Day 2 – Wednesday

I found the water. I had forgotten. I was in it yesterday but I was just “in it”. Today I found it again. I live for this. Really. I submerge and exhale. Exhaling in the water is different because of the pressure. It slows my breath. The bubbles. The sensations. This water is perfect. Perfect temperature, perfect buoyancy, texture, and its movement is perfect. My comfort is almost unimaginable. Why? Don’t ask why. Fully supported in comfort. My breathing is like nowhere else. I can hold my breath effortlessly for tremendous lengths of time. Am I holding at the end of exhale, in the middle somewhere, both? It feels like a sidddhi that I have experienced before, in water like this. There is no question of breathing. It’s as if breathing is happening, but I am not taking in any air. It is a suspended state. Thinking doesn’t intrude on this state. I think, sure, but it doesn’t mean a thing. I am fully present in a primal state of equilibrium and ease. Support. I really do live for this.

Day 3 – Thursday

I got sunburned.
Discontent has given way to peace. Just peace.
Eat when I’m hungry. Sleep when I’m tired. 
Meditate all the time. The line between practice and not is just gone. How nice.

Day 4 — Friday

Falling in love again.
States of mind are so seductive. Even the so-called negative, the painful ones. Watching my mind be so happy to be relieved again. Watching my mind almost cling to it. Like trying to grab a single undulating cell. Its membrane supply slips from my grasp. This is perfect. I feel good. I am an experience junkie. My yogic life has been about a chasing of the good feelings. Trying to get away from the pain. There is no question about this. It is just true.

So I either grasp this undulating cell or I slip into the interstitial fluid and let the cell be itself. In the fluid I see all the cells and I float between them without resistance. At least for a moment. Grasping shows its face again. But I know better. There is no sustained release in any of the grasping. It just doesn’t work

Adyashanti calls it “check mate”. Check mate. Listen to this. The comments are the best part. Here is the link. It is a free download called “The Undefended Heart”.

Day 5 — Saturday

The goddess is found.
Was she waiting for me? I am not the goddess. She is the whisper of love inside me. She is the golden threads of healing. I feel the weave of her touch.
—not to say except to myself and to her.
I ask her if she wants to go swimming.
She does.
I ask her if I can go with her.
She says yes.
I laugh.
Gratitude.
(After all, we need to do some pranayama anyway and we both like to swim).

Still Day 5
Dying is not a problem.
The end of the weave of me.
I don’t mind.

Even this beach. Even Shri.
I don’t mind.

Love? Pain.

I honestly don’t think I feel love often enough to really miss it. Miss it. Miss the point.

With missing the point – dying is really not a problem. With getting the point – dying is not a problem.
So, dying is not a problem.

From pain I look forward to the culminating process of dying. An ultimate release into awareness and from suffering. I expect it will feel good.

From no pain, there is no loss – no gain.

It’s just not a problem.